The Blue Suitcase

February 14th 1969 A blue suitcase is all you took coming down the stairs and I don't even have that memory. It is borrowed from my brothers and sisters who were there when you left us for good. In the wake of that little blue suitcase wafting down the steps like cheap perfume, came your cowardice leaving while Dad was at work stunning and confusing the children because they alone were there to deal with it. The tidal wave that blue suitcase unleashed, while you were high and dry, didn’t quite drown out the shame that rained down from every direction. “They’re from a broken home.” “The Mom ran away.” “Divorce”; unheard of amongst friends and family.

Friends could no longer associate with us.

Labels of “poor white trash” lurking about

leaving a stench in the noses of normal people

The Blue Suitcase brought humiliation because

you had invited the whole family over for

Easter that year – we didn’t know until the last minute –

We madly scrambled trying to make a feast

Out of canned chicken.

But Dad stayed with us the five kids.

As a testament to his love and commitment.

He would do his best, every day, so tired,

come hell-or-high-water! He was

the sanity in an otherwise insane world.

With the blue suitcase

Came confusion and depression.

Dad could only do so much

with his experience on how to be a Dad in the 1960’s

And not a Mom too.

We five children were on our own

most of the time,

to raise ourselves as best we could,

to help raise the younger ones.

With the blue suitcase

Came the bad grades,

and reports of bad behavior,

and ditching school.

Poor choices and every adult knew why.

Not really caring about the future anymore.

That blue suitcase hit us hard,

forever altering our future,

changing us each in different ways.

The Blue Suitcase shattered the heart of our family.

The Blue Suitcase took away stability and confidence

as we climbed the ladder of our youth.

The Blue Suitcase showed up in every

decision we made in our lives and it would

be reflected over and over again,

and cause us to remember and remember and remember

That damn blue suitcase.

We all grew to adulthood

through rocky roads, everyone;

through roads we had to create ourselves,

because there was no one to guide us.

and so we did, each one.

But the blue suitcase haunted every step

Every decision

Every turn in the road

Every dead-end

And every success.

After 50 years we still ponder the blue suitcase

Some more than others

I hate that fucking blue suitcase

Judi Opager – February 2021